beyond the rift } { public

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

I'm a vampire Slayer.

Two-thirds of my more intense relationships? Have been with vampires. Half, if you count Sam. Which ... I should probably do. Count Sam.

Anyway.

I lost my virginity to a vampire, after which he lost his soul and proceeded to come after all of my friends in a way of trying to destroy me. I'll admit, it kind of screwed me up. I was seventeen, and that kind of stuff when you're a teenager does damage.

I think part of the reason Riley never believed I loved him was because of what happened between me and Angel, and I hate that I did that to him. He was a really good guy and deserved better than that, and ... he's married now, so I guess he got it. And we're still friends so ... I guess that counts for something.

Riley's just saved me in more ways than anyone will ever know, and I'm really glad that he's still in my life, willing to work with me when I need it.

But in the end ... I'm worried that it will always be Angel, and that we'll just wind up destroying each other.

Comments

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

[it takes a moment before she comes out of it, and when she does and looks at all she's written, there's a rush to at least try and lock it away from Sam, Xander and Giles. It doesn't work.

Ripping out the page doesn't even work. Since when are the journals indestructible? After blacking it out even fails to do anything, this would be the sound of Buffy's journal, getting lobbed at her door in the Kashtta and her shouting after it:]

WHY WON'T YOU LOCK?!

[goodlording.livejournal.com]

Two-thirds? I thought it was just Angel.

And who's Sam?

[CAN'T YOU JUST FEEL THE LOOK YOU'RE GETTING, BUFFY?]

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

[Yes, yes she can. She doesn't like it.]

Uh. Yeah. There was a ... I'd rather not get into it? I didn't even really mean to get into this.

Sam is a very nice demon hunter who is a real boy, and not a vampire by any stretch of the word.

[ ... she probably shouldn't have lead with "very nice demon hunter."]

[goodlording.livejournal.com]

It's rather late for "not getting into it."

[You will get into it and LIKE IT, Buffy. RIGHT NOW.]



And I think I ought to meet this "Sam."

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

.... Spike.

[she is ready for the riot act]

Yes. I think you should too. I think you'd like him. He's the brainy type.

[goodlording.livejournal.com]

[And he's just going to sputter at his journal for a few minutes.]



Spike.





Spike.


Dare I ask why?

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

[there's a very, very, VERY long pause, because ... this is a conversation she didn't want to have with him, because there are so many things to explain, and this sort of -- just forced the door open without her consent. She hates it.

but that's what she gets for living on the rift]

I think it might be better to have that conversation in person.

[enoughtocarry.livejournal.com]

[O-oh.] Angel, huh?

locked }

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

[Oh, Buffy hates this day. So much.]

Okay, two things.

One, Angel is not here. I don't know the odds of him ever showing up here, but I have a feeling they're slim, given how the Rift seems to feel about people from my world.

Two, even if Angel showed up tomorrow, I still would rather spend the day with you.

locked }

[enoughtocarry.livejournal.com]

[Sam's not a fan of it, either. And as much as he'd like to stop reading this entry, he finds he can't.]

Does it really matter if he shows up here or not if he's still here in other ways?

If it's always going to be Angel, I have a hard time believing that.

locked }

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

Does it matter that I don't want it to be Angel? That I want there to be more for me than heartache and pain and people I love dying.

Angel's never going to bring me anything but pain. You make me happy. That matters to me.

locked }

[enoughtocarry.livejournal.com]

I'm not saying it doesn't matter! Of course it matters to me. You matter to me.

I'm saying what you feel also matters. I don't want to be anyone's second best.

locked }

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

What I feel? Did you read what I wrote at all, or did you just jump to the part where I said I was probably going to end up with another guy?

I said that I was scared that that was what was going to happen. That my life is just going to be me and Angel tearing each other apart. It's not what I want. It's not what I need.

You're what I need. This

[there's a long pause]

This is my baggage. It's what comes with me. I can't shake it, and I can't ignore it.

Take it or leave it.

[xandtheman3.livejournal.com]

It's not always going to be Angel, Buffy.

Your heart doesn't belong to him.

It doesn't have to.

And hey, I believe you can overcome all that, okay? There's more for you than what happened before. You're going to find it if you haven't already.

You deserve it more than anyone else I know, Buff. You deserve to be happy.

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

[and that? that may have been what she needed to hear more than anything else]

I love you, you know that?

[xandtheman3.livejournal.com]

[jrle;a ;_;. He is her Xander shaped friend. He knows her.]

I love you too.

If you need me for a hug or for fluffy girly movies or anything, I'm here.

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

I wouldn't subject you to the fluffy girly movies. But I could always use a hug.

[xandtheman3.livejournal.com]

For you, I could handle being subjected to them. Then you'll be getting one. [And he will go find her and hug her. Wherever she is.]

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

[and she will take that hug for as long as she can have it. Xander hugs are awesome]

[locked]

[ramblinmann.livejournal.com]

It doesn't have to be.


Me and my ex

Well she wasn't a vampire so maybe it wasn't so dramatic, but it was pretty bad in the end. I missed her for a long time and I think part of me still does, but it wasn't good. Now I think I can find love like that again, but that it will be good. Not painful.

I hope so at least. I want it to be so.

locked }

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

I keep hoping for it. I do. But ... I've got a pretty screwed up life, so the chances of a nice, normal boy wanting to stick with it are slim.

But there is a boy. A nice boy. Not so normal, but ... normal enough.

locked }

[ramblinmann.livejournal.com]

About as slim as someone wanting to get involved with a single father.

So there's hope. Go with the hope.

locked }

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

I'm doing my best.

locked }

[ramblinmann.livejournal.com]

That's the best you can do.

locked }

[kiss_evilgoodbye]

I guess so.